The Interview: Cleaning Out My Closet: Herpes

This interview was made to accompany the blog entry', Cleaning Out my Closet: Herpes http://cherlnell.com/the-infinite-evolution-of-life-learning-and-love/cleaning-out-my-closet-herpes

 

Cleaning Out My Closet (Herpes) The Interview

With Belize Samuel

 

Cherlnell: Hello, can you tell us who you are and what makes you qualified to answer these questions?

Belize: My name is Belize Spivey aka Belize Samuel. I am STD Life Coach. I help African American women overcome the stigma of herpes. I overcame the stigma of herpes 7 years ago. I had the desire to help other women do the same. I have a Master of Art in Human Service Counseling.

 

Cherlnell: Are you a doctor?

Belize: No, I am not a Doctor.

 

Cherlnell: What is Herpes and how do symptoms present for males vs females?

Belize: Herpes is a Sexual Transmitted Disease, transmitted through skin to skin contact such as kissing, oral, vaginal, and anal intercourse. Men and Women symptoms are the same just varies person to person. Herpes symptoms consist of itching, burning, discharge, sores, blisters, cuts, pimples, aching body, flu-like symptoms, swollen lymph nodes in the neck or groin, or no symptoms at all.

 

Cherlnell: When do symptoms present and how long can herpes lay dormant before an outbreak?

Belize: Herpes symptoms can arise as early as 2-21 days. The virus can lie dormant for years without being triggered. Some individual never have an outbreak but received a herpes diagnosis through an std screening blood test.

 

Cherlnell: There are some symptoms that don’t present as textbook. What are some symptoms you should look out for other than blisters? When you look online and even in books you can’t find any pictures of herpes outbreaks on African Americans. What can we look for on our dark skin for outbreaks because it’s different?

Belize: You’re so correct it's not likely to find a picture of African American with herpes outbreak on the internet. I have learned over the years that outbreaks looks different on each person. An outbreak can appear as a thin cut, pimple, rash, ulcers, or cluster of blisters or fine pimples. I want people to know an outbreak is more than just blisters it's any of the symptoms I stated earlier as well.

Cherlnell: How do you test for Herpes genital/oral? Is there another way other than the swab? And can you request it even if you don’t have an outbreak?

Belize: Herpes is tested by a swab and blood test. The swab is used when an outbreak is present. The blood is best when you don't have any herpes symptoms. You can go into your doctor's office and ask for Herpes test. Just know many doctors discourage you from getting a test without an outbreak. Ask to know your status anyway. Many people assume that they’re receiving a herpes test in a standard std panel. Herpes isn't included in the panel for every doctor office. Many should ask for it by name, such as herpes or HSV.

 

Cherlnell: Can you contract oral herpes from genital herpes and vice versa?

Belize: You can contract herpes from oral, genital, and/ or anal. It can be transmitted from any of this area when an outbreak is present in your mouth or genital areas.

 

Cherlnell: Is there any other ways to contract genital herpes other than sex? Can you get it from a toilet seat?

Belize: You can not contract herpes from towels or toilets. The chance of contracting from drinking from someone with an active outbreak is very low but possible.

 

Cherlnell: Can someone with herpes donate blood?

Belize: You can give blood or plasma if you have herpes.

 

Cherlnell: Is there a cure for herpes?

Belize: Currently it's no fully documented herpes cure. I believe there is a cure already present but not fully documented for everyone to easily find or afford.

Cherlnell: What are the different methods of treatment?

Belize: Suppressive treatment is when you have outbreaks often, you may want to consider taking an antiviral drug every day. The medication available is acyclovir (Zovirax), and valacyclovir (Valtrex). The holistic or natural treatment is using herbs and essential oils to reduce outbreaks.

Cherlnell: What are some treatments out there that you should watch out for?

Belize: These two treatments are mostly used. It's completely determined by the individual. I recommend that the individual do what works best for them.

 

Cherlnell: What puts your partner more at risk before, during, or after an outbreak?

Belize: Your partner is at risk before because you’re not aware that outbreak is active. During an outbreak, because the outbreak is fully active and present. Your partner is at a lower risk after because you will wait until all symptoms are cleared up before having sexual intercourse again. I stress that you always pay attention to your triggers to reduce any outbreaks. Also knowing your symptoms that you experience when an outbreak coming on. You can reduce your transmission.

 

Cherlnell: What’s the best way to have oral sex with someone who’s infected with genital herpes? Or to perform it if you have oral?

Belize: The best want to have oral sex with herpes is to prevent receiving or performing when you have an outbreak or any symptoms. You can use dental dam or condoms to reduce transmission as well. If you and your partner agree not to use protection just make sure he/she understand the risk.

 

Cherlnell: What’s the best way to ask your partner their status or to get tested?

Belize: The best way to ask your partner status is before any sexual activity including kissing. It makes it easier to have the conservation before anything has happened between you two. You can simply ask when was the last time you were tested. It's an uncomfortable conversation and time is never right. So take the opportunity when you two are getting to know each other.

Cherlnell: When and how should you reveal your status to a potential partner?

Belize: First I will say sharing your status is one of the main fears for individuals living with herpes. This is the reason many people struggle with living with herpes. I recommend disclosing when you’re clear a relationship is being established or you’re sexually interested in that person. You don't have to share when you don't want a relationship or have sex with that person. The best way to share your status is: I want to share with you something that happen in my past. Don't ever say I want to tell you something. The word tell has developed a bad new alert. Then say I contracted herpes or HSV when (tell your story how you contracted the virus). You always want to share your story. People connect with stories and it helps kill the stigma associated with herpes.

Cherlnell: What is the biggest misconception associated with herpes?

Belize: The misconception of individuals living with herpes is he/she is Promiscuous. So not true at all. Most of the individuals that contract herpes are in relationships.

Cherlnell: What is something you think every person without herpes should know about herpes and people who have it?/ Every person with it?

Belize: I want people to know that herpes is very common and not included in the std panel. I want individuals living with herpes that it's not the end of the world.

Cherlnell: How can people get in touch with you and find out more about the work you do?

Belize: Check out my social media platforms YouTube: Belize Samuel, IG: Belize.Samuel and Facebook: Belize Samuel

Thanks for allowing me to share about herpes today. I hope I give someone hope to live on and to protect themselves.

Cleaning Out My Closet: Herpes

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it”

-Maya Angelou

I have Genital herpes. Whew, that was one of the hardest things that I have had to write in a long time. But at least it's out. This is what the "Cleaning Out My Closet" series and this blog is all about. I’m “baring my soul to heal yours”, It's not just something I write because it sounds good, it's what I live. So I knew when I was diagnosed that I had to tell my story with this disease. I had no idea then that my story with herpes was only just beginning. I found out a little under three years ago...

January 6, 2015

I had been bleeding which was weird seeing how I hadn't been on my period since 2007. I had My husband take pictures of the area which is how I found out there were huge gashes in my vagina. It was like chunks missing. The cuts were so big they would just bleed which is where the blood was coming from. So I wasn't on my period but I was sure this was worse. When I went to the bathroom, oh my goodness, the pain was absolutely crazy!  I didn't know what was going on but we were at the doctor’s office to find out. The doctors did an examination afterward, they asked about herpes and if I had been tested.  I told them yes, I always got tested for everything.  The doctors asked if it was okay for them to test me then I said, “Of course.”  They took a sample and we left.  

January 12, 2015

My husband and I talked about other things while we waited for the doctor because I wasn't worried. My GYN walked in with the nurse and said that I had this forever disgrace, I mean, disease. Genital Herpes. The first thing I felt was this enormous amount of sorrow and guilt.  I was responsible for cursing the love of my life with this disease. I had just gotten married the month before. I cried and begged for his forgiveness right in the office. Even after hearing this bad news about myself, I was still more concerned with him. As tears clouded my eyes my knight-in-shining-armor came, took my face in his hands, kissed me, said it was okay, and that he loved me. He finally convinced me that he wasn't leaving me for my transgression. I was so thankful to have him in my life.
 

On the way home my mind was racing through the people I had slept with and how or when this could have happened to me. Then, I started to think what if I had this for a while? What if I had infected someone else. I wrestled with insurmountable guilt, shame and depression over it for years. I could never really place a person or event. But it was obvious that I had it so someone must have given it to me.

Fast forward to a few Sundays ago. My marriage has fallen around my feet. My king turned out to be a jester. After being manipulated and mistreated for three years. I  realized that he wasn't willing to change and decided that enough was enough for me to leave. Two weeks after he moved out I had a conversation with someone who challenged what I thought about the herpes situation.

"I am sorry to say this but I think he gave you Herpes?"
"What? No. You think so?"
"Yes, I do."
"Well, I am going to ask him."

So I sent him a text that said, "Did you know you had herpes before you gave it to me?" I had to ask the question that way because of prior experience. (He is known to argue semantics and manipulate his answers until you’re tired and still don’t have an answer to your question.)  I thought that the response was going to be a little agitated with a hint of annoyance but I knew that he was going to say something like, "We've been through this, you gave it to me." When I spoke to him, however, his words were "And to answer your question… Yes, I knew and let you believe that you gave it to me." Instantly it felt like he took his hand and ripped my heart out through my chest! I couldn't breathe, talk, cry, or anything. It was like I was falling into a pit of creatures that were ripping my flesh from the bone. It hurt that bad! When my breath returned I pushed out the words, “That means you knew you had it before you gave it to me.” He affirmed my statement and started apologizing. It was like a knife to my heart. I was in so much pain.

I was the one that always talked about getting your partner tested. “Make it a date,” I said. “You can't tell by looking at a person,” I said. Then I was blinded by the glitz and glamour of having a “Good God-Fearing Man”. Someone who could be there for me and my son, who loved me for who I was flaws and all. A funny, kind-hearted, and intelligent gentle giant. I was thrown off guard by the excitement of finally getting what I wanted. So much so that I didn't insist on testing. I asked when the last time he was tested and he told me right before we got together and everything came back clear. ( He later claimed that I only asked about HIV.) I just knew that his love for me would allow him to tell me if there was something wrong. Just knew that if I was in harm's way he would save me, keep me from the pain, not be the one to cause it.

Why am I sharing this with you all? Because I am not the first person this has happen to and I won’t be the last. People always assume that women that have STD’s are oversexed, promiscuous, or prostitutes when most of the time that’s the furthest thing from the truth. There are some women out there that like to have fun and they should be able to if that’s what they chose to do. There are some women who were like me just being a faithful wife or girlfriend committed to one person who gets lied to and infected. Then there are some women who were dating multiple people who get lied to infected. (The same goes for men) The point is that everyone should have the right to be safe. That means people speaking up and saying their status. If you are adult enough to have sex then you should be adult enough to tell your status. It's hard and scary to have that conversation with someone especially when you are wrapped up in hormones but it can be done. If you aren’t adult enough to do these things then keep it in your pants or keep your legs closed. You should also be adult enough to know your status and protect yourself. Speaking from the place of a Black woman, who are leading the country in herpes outbreaks at 48% of all cases. When I say protecting yourself, I mean more than condoms. I mean, making sure that everyone you let inside of you has been tested either you have seen the test results or was there to hear them from the doctor's mouth. That means that you use a condom if you slip up and can’t wait. (But remember they don't offer full protection)  

Pause: Okay, for those of you that are allergic to latex they do make other types of condoms. Stop using that as an excuse not to use condoms you’re not in high school anymore. For the rest of you that use the, “I don’t like the way condoms feel” mess you really aren’t going to like it when your genitals split wide open. You’re not on your period but the gashes ( Yes, I said gashes.) in your genitals are running blood. (That includes the men) You will pray and beg to go back in time to use that thin membrane to protect yourself from the pain. Pain that racks your physical and emotional being. That condom doesn't feel so uncomfortable now, does it?

I want those of you out there who don't know your status to get tested. Demand that they test you if you have to because this is not only about your life but those around you. Herpes is something that doesn't go away and can be passed to your children. I want those who know they don't have it to protect yourself from everyone, not just men you can get it from a woman. And I want those who do have it to protect those around you treat the people you sleep with as if they are your loved ones how would you want someone to treat you. To know you aren't alone, I understand and literally feel your pain. Even though we have this it doesn't have to have us. We can rise above this and find love. The right person will love all of you. Believe it, receive it, know it.

I can get through this. You can get through this. We can get through this and we will. There is still fun to be had. There are support groups both in person and online. If there isn't one in your area then be the change you want to see in the world, start one. There are also STD coaches and counselors that will help you work out feelings and emotions as well give you tips on different topics. Herpes is the most common STD but it's like no one cares. So those who have it and those who care not to get it start making some noise to the people in high places. Because we not only need a cure, we need resources and research towards prevention, and we need better testing practices!
 

I have herpes and it's bad. The way that I got it was horrible. Did it fracture my trust for people? Absolutely. Did it make it harder for me to have romantic relationships? Probably. Does it make me upset that I will have to disclose this to anyone before getting sexual with them? Sometimes, but I am working on forgiveness. Forgiveness for the man that gave it to me but mostly forgiveness for myself. I blame myself for being so naive and trusting in allowing this to happen to me. "I should have..." Is what I say. When the truth is what happened, has happened. The more time I spend on the past action and the people who caused it the less time I have to spend on healing from it. Besides stress causes outbreaks and the person who infected you is most likely not worth it.

Pause: Okay, for those of you that are allergic to latex they do make other types of condoms. Stop using that as an excuse not to use condoms you’re not in high school anymore. For the rest of you that use the, “I don’t like the way condoms feel” mess you really aren’t going to like it when your genitals split wide open. You’re not on your period but the gashes ( Yes, I said gashes.) in your genitals are running blood. (That includes the men) You will pray and beg to go back in time to use that thin membrane to protect yourself from the pain. Pain that racks your physical and emotional being. That condom doesn't feel so uncomfortable now, does it?

I want those of you out there who don't know your status to get tested. Demand that they test you if you have to because this is not only about your life but those around you. Herpes is something that doesn't go away and can be passed to your children. I want those who know they don't have it to protect yourself from everyone, not just men you can get it from a woman. And I want those who do have it to protect those around you treat the people you sleep with as if they are your loved ones how would you want someone to treat you. To know you aren't alone, I understand and literally feel your pain. Even though we have this it doesn't have to have us. We can rise above this and find love. The right person will love all of you. Believe it, receive it, know it.

I can get through this. You can get through this. We can get through this and we will. There is still fun to be had. There are support groups both in person and online. If there isn't one in your area then be the change you want to see in the world, start one. There are also STD coaches and counselors that will help you work out feelings and emotions as well give you tips on different topics. Herpes is the most common STD but it's like no one cares. So those who have it and those who care not to get it start making some noise to the people in high places. Because we not only need a cure, we need resources and research towards prevention, and we need better testing practices!
 

I have herpes and it's bad. The way that I got it was horrible. Did it fracture my trust for people? Absolutely. Did it make it harder for me to have romantic relationships? Probably. Does it make me upset that I will have to disclose this to anyone before getting sexual with them? Sometimes, but I am working on forgiveness. Forgiveness for the man that gave it to me but mostly forgiveness for myself. I blame myself for being so naive and trusting in allowing this to happen to me. "I should have..." Is what I say. When the truth is what happened, has happened. The more time I spend on the past action and the people who caused it the less time I have to spend on healing from it. Besides stress causes outbreaks and the person who infected you is most likely not worth it.

One breath, one step, one day at a time.

Baring my soul to heal yours.

Cherlnell Lane

 

If you have questions please also check out Part 2, which is an interview with an STD Coach.

http://www.cherlnell.com/the-infinite-evolution-of-life-learning-and-love/the-interview-cleaning-out-my-closet-herpes

 

 

COMC: Suicide Interview

Originally Published October 15, 2017

For my Cleaning Out My Closet Series (COMC) I wanted to make sure that I could help others going through the things that I am going through. So I will include an interview by a professional in the topic of discussion after each COMC entry.

Cleaning Out My Closet: Suicide Interview

Q: Hi and thanks for helping me out today. Tell me who you are and why you know so much about this topic?

A: A Mental Health Professional (prefer not to give a name)

Q: Is it just people who suffer from mental disorders that are affected by committing suicide or suicidal thoughts?

A: No suicide is not a mental illness.  I think it can be anyone that feels hopeless and discouraged and can't at the time find a remedy to ease the pain.

Q: What type of things can make a person suicidal?

A: Hurt, Disappointment, Hopelessness, Sickness, Pain, Not able to cope with the pressure of life. 

Q: What can a person who is suicidal do to help themselves get through those crucial moments?

A: Seek professional help or help from a friend or relative.

 

Q: What are some signs that will show that a loved one may be suicidal?

A: Isolation, depression, Self-harm behavior, Withdrawal, hopelessness, and Excessive sadness

 

Q: How do you go about finding a mental health professional?

A: You can call 911 and DHS or you can go to the nearest emergency room.

 

Q: Are there any hotlines or websites you can recommend?

A: HOTLINES:

National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433) or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Both toll-free, 24-hour, confidential hotlines which connect you to a trained counselor at the nearest suicide crisis center.

Safe Place: 1-888-290-7233

Project Safe Place provides access to immediate help and supportive resources for young people in crisis through a network of qualified agencies, trained volunteers, and businesses in 32 states. Call the hotline to find out if the program operates in your state, or look online.

 

National Alliance of the Mentally Ill: 1-800-950-6264

Toll-free, confidential hotline operating Mon.-Fri., 10 am- 6 pm (EST). Trained volunteers provide information, referrals, and support to anyone with questions about mental illness.

 

Q: Are there support groups that suicidal people or their loved ones can attend?

A: Batavia

Name of Group: Survivors of Suicide

Suicide Prevention Services

528 S. Batavia Ave.

Batavia, IL 60510

Contact Person: Stephanie Weber

(630) 482-9696

Meetings per Month: One

Fee: No

Carbondale

Name: Suicide Grief Support Group

Unitarian Fellowship building

105 N. Parrish Lane

Carbondale, IL 62901

Contact Person: Judy Ashby, MS, LCPC

(618) 549-5578

OR

Bill Sasso

(618) 529-2439

Meetings per Month: One - Second Tuesday at 7:30-9:00 p.m.

Fee: No

Centralia

Name: Survivors of Suicide

Centralia Ray of Hope

Irvin Funeral Home

PO Box 1155

Centralia, IL 62801

Contact Person: Greg Williams

(618) 532-5512

Meetings per Month: One

Fee: No

Chicago

Name of Group: Survivors of Suicide

Catholic Charities / LOSS Program

651 W. Lake St.

Chicago, IL 60661

Contact Person: Bruce Engle

(312) 655-7283

Loss Line 8:30 a.m - 4:30 p.m. (M-F)

Meetings per Month: One

Meetings held in different locations throughout Cook, Lake, Will, and DuPage counties. Children/teen monthly groups also available.

Website: www.catholiccharities.net/loss

Fee: No

 

Chicago

Name of Group: LGBTQ Survivors of Suicide

LGBTQ Survivors of Suicide - Center on Halsted

3656 N. Halsted

Chicago, IL 60661

Contact Person: Edmond Yomtoob

(773) 450-4434

edmond.yomtoob@psychologistchicago.com

Meetings per Month: One - Third Wednesday, 7:15-8:45 p.m.

Fee: No

 

Dixon

Name of Group: Touched by Suicide

Hospice of the Rock River Valley

R.R. #2

Dixon, IL

Survivors Gather

Contact Person: Diana Knapp

(815) 625-6277

Fee: No

Edgemont

Name of Group: Survivors of Suicide

Call for Help, Suicide & Crisis Intervention

9400 Lebanon Road

Edgemont, IL 62203

Contact Person: Pearl Campbell

(618) 397-0963

Meetings per Month: Two - First and Third Monday 6-8 p.m.

Fee: No

Freeport

Park Hills Evangelical Free Church

2525 West Stephenson Street

Freeport, IL 61032

Name of Group: Survivors Road 2 healing

Contact Person: Lynne Hofmaster

(815) 297-0037 or (815) 238-0141 (cell)

Meetings per Month: Two - Second and Fourth Tuesdays, 7 p.m.

Fee: No

House Survivors of Suicide Support Program

Serving families with children surviving the suicide of a loved one.

3330 Dundee Rd., Suite S1-S4

Northbrook, IL 60062

Contact Person: Suzanne Clarey

847-205-5666

suzanneclarey@willowhouse.org

Meetings per Month: Please call for information

(Website: www.willowhouse.org

Also provides 8-week support groups for adolescents and teens, monthly family support, and referral services.

Fee: No

Oak Brook

Name of Group: Compassionate Friends

The Compassionate Friends, Inc. (National Office)

P.O. Box 3696

Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696

Contact Person: Families can speak with anyone at the office

(877) 969-0010

Website: www.compassionatefriends.org

Meetings per Month: One (varies)

Please call toll free number for information on groups held throughout the country.

Fee: No

Rockford

Name of Group: Ray of Hope

Gloria Dei Lutheran Church

4100 Augustana Drive

Rockford, IL 61107

Contact Person: Karon Pfile, RN

(815) 636-4750

npfile@rockford.com

Meetings per Month: Two - Second and Fourth Thursdays from 7-9 p.m.

Fee: No

 

Remember Loves take everything One Breath, One Step, and One Day at a time.

Writing to evolve minds one word at a time.

Cherlnell Lane

For Little Girls Who Considered Suicide When The Silence Wasn't Enough

I had the pleasure of performing an original poem at She Speaks Volumes for the YWCA of Metropolitan Chicago on April 26, 2018. It was for #saam, sexual assault awareness month. It was an awesome experience. I touched, healed, and made so many people aware of what happens when young girls are violated. That's why I do my work, I want my work to change people way of thinking for generations. 

But for now, I would you like to share it with you. With no further ado, I present, "For Little Girls Who Considered Suicide When The Silence Was Not Enough" written and performed by Cherlnell Lane.

 

That's my piece, peace, and tell me what you think.

All my love, 

Cherlnell Lane

Flashback: Cleaning Out My Closet: Suicide

Flashback: This is an old blog post. The first blog of my "Cleaning Out My Closet" Series. The next written blog will be the second installment in the series. So since this one was posted on my old blog (A Black Woman Living In Pain.) I thought that I would give you all that hadn't read it a chance to do so. Plus it's a really good piece. Remember, I bare my soul to heal yours.

-Cherlnell Lane

 

9/21/14

I have felt recently that I haven’t been fulfilling my goals with this blog. I wanted to reach more people to help more people.

I decided to examine myself and see where I could improve. I saw that even though I was trying to talk about things that brought pain to my life as well as others. I wasn’t being completely open. That was because I didn’t want to deal with certain areas of my life. If I wasn’t dealing with them how could I ask someone else to? So I am cleaning out my closet of some pretty heavy topics. After every topic, there will be a video or written interview with a professional on the topic so that if anyone is experiencing an issue in that area then they can get the information they need to improve their life. I am doing this not only to help myself but to support other people who might deal with these issues as well. 

With no further ado ... Cleaning Out My Closet: Suicide (September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month)

 

Okay, I am going to tell you right now we are going to talk about some heavy stuff today. If you are not ready to be open to some things stop reading. For the rest of you. Once you start reading I don’t suggest that you stop. We are telling on some people today and hopefully saving some people's lives as well... Ready! Set! Go!

 

When was the last time you wanted to kill yourself? No, truthfully. That wasn’t said for shock value. I wasn’t trying to get your attention. I really want to know. When was the last time that you thought about the different ways you could just sleep forever (I mean for a while) and which way would you be able to complete the task without chickening- out halfway through? How many times have you pictured how happy and unburdened your loved ones would feel after they got over their grief. How many times have your religious beliefs made you think that you could go to hell but your mental state made you feel that maybe you were just being selfish for thinking about yourself when you know that your death would help your loved ones. I know that a lot of people like to think that people who commit suicide are selfish. That they aren’t thinking about anyone but themselves because they can’t handle the pressures of life when that could be the furthest thing from the truth.

There is this myth about people that suffer from mental illness especially in the Black community. We (the black community) would convince someone who is sick with a mental disorder not to get help because we don’t see it as a real illness. It’s either that or the person suffering is too afraid to seek help because of the stigma associated with mental health. They suffer in silence because the Black community tends to think that people with mental illness need to just: act right, think positive, or pray more because God will fix it.

 

The way that we act is based on what we think. What we think is based on how we were raised, our temperament, and our mental health. How we were raised includes a lot of things: what type of family we were in, what number child you are, what environment you live in, etc. For example, The oldest child in a two-parent household in a middle to upper-class neighborhood could very-well act differently from the middle child in a one parent household in the lower class neighborhood. All of that doesn’t matter though when it comes to mental disorders. They don’t care where you live, how old you are, or who you love. Everyone could be affected; white, black, rich, poor, young, or old. It has nothing to do with how you act. Mental Disorders don’t care how many things you have going for you, it makes you think that you are cold, unloved, dumb, hopeless and alone.

Think positive? Ha! Take it from someone who is always trying to keep positive for everyone including myself. It is not that easy. I post positive images all over my Facebook and Instagram every day. I try to give positive encouraging words to my friends and family all the time even if at the time my insides are rotting and the stench of my depression is making me throw-up any positive feelings I had for myself. Thinking positive when you have a mental disorder is sometimes like trying to save yourself from drowning in the middle of the ocean with boulders tied to your ankles. So please don’t think that a person committed suicide because they refused to think positive.

 

I am not saying that God can’t fix it but just because you wish or pray it so doesn’t make it so. Prime example how long was slavery? Don't you think that those people prayed? When they were getting taken from their homeland? When they were packed in a boat like supplies going across the ocean? When they got to this strange land and white people beat them, raped them, and stripped them of their clothes, customs, language, family, and dignity for 245 years? Don't you think they prayed? God’s will is going to be done, right? Well, that was god’s will. I am not saying that God can not change anything because he can. God can make it snow in the summer and make it 90 degrees in January. What I am saying is, sometimes bad things happen to good people no matter how much you pray. The same thing goes for Mental illness there is a big chance that prayer alone isn’t going to work. If you get shot in the chest, chances are that you aren’t going to just lay down on the ground and do nothing but pray for the bullet to come out. You are going to go to the hospital and let a doctor who God has blessed with the skills to save you, do what they are trained to do. The same thing goes for someone with a mental disorder or disease. God has blessed wonderful doctors and therapists with the skills to help them. So when someone is depressed of course pray for them but also lead them to a Mental Health Professional. 

Back to the reason I wrote this blog entry. I wanted to kill myself recently. I was as close to it than I have been in over 15 years. 15 years ago I would do things to try to kill myself. Now here I was again thinking about the ways I could do it. I was considering how long the grief would last before my loved ones could move on. Cherlnell Lane the person who is terrified of death was thinking about killing herself because she doesn’t want to cause anyone pain. That is what mental disease does to you it makes you think that you are a problem that can’t be solved. It sometimes makes you think that you are the cancer that is infecting the people around you. It makes me feel this way. I, Cherlnell Lane, who is the poster child for a cheerful demeanor, the same Cherlnell Lane that is always telling her friends that the sun will come out tomorrow, the Cherlnell Lane who believes in God is sometimes so wrapped up in depression that she thinks that even God doesn’t love her. You know something though... It’s not my fault. It is just as if someone that has a heart problem from birth. Would you condemn them for having a weak heart? Most likely not, so don’t do the same thing to people who suffer from depression and other mental illness.

If you don’t share my beliefs or opinions that’s fine everyone in the world doesn’t agree but next time you see or hear about someone with a mental illness or someone who wants to kill themselves do me a favor remember: if you can’t do anything helpful, get them to a professional who will. Because not only could you save a life but you could better the lives of those affected by the life that you save. Be your brother/ sister’s keeper let them know that their lives matter. Say their name, Edwin. Say their name, Phyllis Hyman. Say their name, Lee Thompson Young. Say their name, Don Cornelius. Don’t shame people for wanting help to save their life.

Cleaning out my closet,

A Black Woman Living In Pain

Remember This is a Flashback! I do not feel this way now but there are people who do. Help them help themselves direct them to a professional.

Writing To Evolve Minds One Word at a Time 

Cherlnell Lane

 

 
 
 
cherlnell_social.png