Finding Myself


I tend to think a lot. (Not as much as my husband but a lot still. Lol.) I tend to ponder way past the time that I should and it prevents me from doing. I am trying to get out of the habit. It is the need for everything to be planned out perfectly. Every option and surprise obstacle accounted for and solved before I can make a move. Since it is impossible for that to happen most of the time either my ideas don’t come to fruition or I start and have to stop.  I’m a work in progress, this I know. It’s like I think about all of the ways people will find fault with my ideas or plans. For example:

One of the things I am currently ruminating on is changing my pen name. Well, more like getting rid of it. Instead of saying, to myself, “Fine, you’re grown, if you want to get rid of your pen name do it!” I say, “If you get rid of your pen name people will be able to tie your writing to you. If they tie your writing to you and they don’t like it then they aren’t going to like you.”

It’s that kind of thinking that scares the crap out of me. My writing is different. I write African American Literature but other than that my writing doesn’t fit into a box. It’s a little of this and a little of that. Some people see it as erotica and some people see it as inspirational. So when people ask, “What do you write?” I say I write life, all parts of it. I write about life and all that it encompasses. The sunny well-manicured lawns and the seedy alleys. Everyone deserves to feel like someone knows where there are coming from, that they aren’t alone. Abusers should know how it feels to be in a victim’s place. The rich should understand what it's like to be poor. Women should learn from men, men should learn from women, young and old, black, white, etc.  I want to be one of the voices that facilitates that process. I just want to change your view. Make you see things differently. Then maybe just maybe because you have a new viewpoint you’ll change the world. There are a lot of people that like my writing but it might also offend some people. But isn’t that with everything. I mean even the idea of love offends some people.

I am a storyteller. I love telling stories. Telling our stories helps us release: pain, fear, and insecurities. Hearing or reading other people's stories either broadens your understanding about people in different situations or helps you identify, which shows you that there is someone somewhere going through the same things you are going through. The release helps us heal, understanding helps us grow and identifying shows us that we aren’t alone.

What really matters is what the people who support you think. Actually, when you think about it, you can look to whomever you want for their views when it comes to your life. However, when it comes down to it the choices that you, make in your life, as an adult, is on you and your higher power. I have to make a choice based on the things that I want out of life, what I know and feel are good, and what will push me forward. So, from this point forward I am Cherlnell Lane; mom, wife, writer, teacher, lover, giver, learner, activist. Sure my writing is unconventional, and a little weird. I may write some things you were thinking but dare not say or take you into worlds and stories that are interesting and entertaining while also teaching you a lesson. Some people may not get me or my writing and that’s okay. The people that love me do and those who don’t... Oh well! No more Cookie Battles, No more C.J. Lane just the powerful, intelligent, strong and very capable Cherlnell Lane.

Yours Always,

Cherlnell Lane