Stone

I have become so accustomed to keeping my emotions in, that I have trapped myself in a tower deep inside me. In this tower, I sit on top of my feelings and emotions, my thoughts and memories, trapped in by my fears. Every Time I have denied myself the opportunity to express my emotions they filter into this tower and push me toward the top. At the top of the tower lies Crazy. No, there are no inventive names for it. It’s pure unadulterated craziness. Not the, she’s a little depressed or moody craziness, the she lost it, run for the hills crazy! It’s like the mouth of the beast a breathing, quivering, slobbering, hungry hole at the top of this tower that I am quickly ascending to. I can feel it shaking which causes me to tremble in fear. The fear, that soon this bubble will pop and I will have no control or filter for the feelings, emotions, or actions that will come spilling out. I know that impending doom is near. I want to cry, to laugh and to scream. To fix this problem I’ve caused. It’s been so long however since I have shown any feelings, that I can’t shed a tear. I am stuck. Trapped in this dark dank place with all my emotions and I can’t get out.

I want to cry so bad when the shadow of misery corners me, but I can’t. Even when the mountains of pressure, responsibilities, sorrow, and insecurities that surround me, fall on my shoulders, I can’t waiver and I can’t faint because I’m black and black women are supposed to be strong. We are the backbone of the family, the nurturers, teachers, supporters and in a pinch (which is most of the time) we are the disciplinarians, providers, and leaders of the family and therefore can’t afford to be weak! God forbid we be human beings! We have to be superwomen at all times and use our black girl magic to keep it all together.

We are told constantly that we can handle things that other people will break down from and have even been accused of being the problem when trying to deliver solutions. Black women are not getting the help and support we need because we are supposed to be strong because we are supposed to see the lesson in everything and move on. This is why a child can be thrown to the ground by a grown man while sitting at a desk and the first thing said is, “Well what did she do?” or when black girls go missing they ran away but white girls are kidnapped.

 

My whole life I was told to toughen up. I was jumped on by a group of 8th-grade boys in 1st grade and when I told, I was asked if I wanted to be suspended. When I was nine I found out that my dad was cheating on my mom and was blamed for them breaking up. At eleven I was raped, but nothing happened because I had to look out for his kids. I was bullied from pre-k through College for being smart, most of the time nothing happen to the bullies. My freshman year of high school I made these girls (that I didn’t even know) so upset that they had a gang waiting outside for me. My junior year I lost my virginity and got pregnant because he took off the condom and didn’t tell me. Then he told me the baby wasn’t his and didn’t contribute anything to raising him. My pastor proceeded to kick me out of all my roles in the church and an oratory contest that was going to pay for my college education because I had sex before marriage. But replaced me with a young man with a two-year-old. I’ve been in several abusive relationships including my first marriage. I smiled through all of these things and hardly cried, however, I am still called overly emotional.

Now I am going through my second divorce in 7 years. This was supposed to be it for me, the one, my forever. Instead, I am wondering how I stayed as long as I did and how I got talked out of seeing the writing on the wall for 2 years. I am hurt and angry! My heart feels like it received 1,000 paper cuts and was then soaked in alcohol. This pain is sitting in my chest making it difficult to breathe. It’s bubbling through my veins, coursing through my body, making all of my body parts stand at attention. My eyes, however, aren’t working properly. No matter how much I try to push this pain through them they are dry as a bone. I WANT TO BE WEAK! Even if for a second. I just want to lay in someone’s arms and cry! I want to speak my truth without thinking about making him look bad. I just want to release. But I probably won’t. Because I’ve been strong so long that now I’m stone. That is until I reach the top of this tower.

Remember Black Women are still women and every woman needs to be loved and protected like a little girl sometimes.

Bearing my soul to heal yours

Cherlnell Lane

The Catalyst

I just finished something that I set my mind to do at the beginning of the year. It was this huge looming thing that I knew I wanted and had to do. However, I was afraid. This would be a totally different experience than anything I had experienced before. It was that and more. Hands down one of the hardest things I have had to do in a long time but I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it.

For those of you who know I am a pretty big girl (yes, I meant that both ways ;) and I have been one for most of my life. Some of the same things that went on with me as a big girl happens to me as a small girl. Doctors are trained however to contribute most if not all medical problems you have while being overweight to being overweight. So as my numbers crept up, of course, most doctors and everyone else thought that I should get the weight loss surgery (Gastric bypass.) I didn’t want to do it at first. Then I started to see the faces when I would say I wasn’t getting it... So I decided to get it. I went through the whole program. Got cleared and was waiting to set my day for surgery. Then I decided not to do it. I figured if I was risking my life then it had better be for something I wanted to do.

(Side Note: I have a huge problem that I am working on, involving putting other people’s needs, wants, and feelings, above mine. I know I need to get it together. )

Luckily I was presented with this wonderful opportunity...

On May 30th, 2017 I started the Shirley Ryan AbilityLab’s Pain Management Program (SRAPMP.) I completed the program on June 22nd and it was one of the best decisions of my life. I worked with Doctors, Nurses, Physical Therapists, Occupational Therapists, and Psychologists who helped guide me on the right path. The first thing that they said to us was, “I understand what you are going through.” The big shocker? They meant it! That is one of the best feelings in the world! After being told by many different people (doctors included): “That it was all in your head” (I am not crazy,) “You’re too young for that to happen” (However it seems to be happening,) or (My personal favorite) “It’s all due to your weight.” The healers at SRAPMP debunked all of those myths. They explained to and assured all of us that our pain is indeed real. Then they showed us why the pain was there and why it’s so intense. They then took it a step further by showing us how we could improve or lessen the pain. We took several different types of therapy, classes, had an individual session with a doctor and a psychologist, worked out at the gym and in the pool.

Physical Therapy (PT) 

Worked on our bodies teaching us different techniques to use to strengthen the parts where we had problems with. They also gave us things to work on at home.

Occupational Therapy (OT)

Helped us improve the actions that we have to do or want to do on a consistent basis like doing laundry, cooking, or dancing.

(Both PT and OT helped us along every step our journey. They gave us things to do at home, taught the classes, supervised at the gym, and even took us on a field trip.)

Chair Yoga, Tai Chi, Core Strengthening, Stretching Class

We did chair yoga, core work, stretching and my favorite Tai Chi! These classes showed us to start where we are and push ourselves (without overdoing it) we could do things we thought we couldn’t.

Their main purpose, however, was to teach us more ways and techniques to make our pain better. Doing the exercises we either decrease pain or stress strengthen muscles or improved flexibility.

Psychology, Mindfulness, Boundaries, and Relaxation (Biofeedback) sessions

    Psychology group sessions were awesome because that brought everything full circle. This is not only where we learned the science behind what we are feeling but it is also where we bonded the most as a group. It was where we heard, maybe for the first time, “I understand because it’s happening to me as well.” As we went around the table sharing, we all had similar feelings because we all are dealing with chronic pain and yes it’s a real thing. We learned how to be mindful of what we are doing, the pain we are feeling, how to change the way our brain interprets pain and our reaction to it.

Boundaries group is just what it says we learned how to set up boundaries. Not just the physical, “three feet no pressure!” but no. No, that’s not an incomplete sentence that’s what we learned, how to say “No.” Which should be one of the easiest things to say, but to me, it is the hardest lesson to learn. If I can’t do something for whatever reason I should feel free to say no but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. So I learned the phrase “I wish I could, but I can’t.” Another thing I learned was not to give an explanation, it will only give people an opportunity to talk you into doing it.

“Can you watch my kids, I have to work?”

“No”

“Why not?”

“I have to work.”

“Well, can’t you just call off of work?”

“I wish I could but I can’t. Bye!”

    Biofeedback or relaxation sessions could be group or individual. They were basically where we learned different ways or techniques to relax. Let’s face it, stress contributes a lot to pain so when faced with extreme pain you should definitely try to relax. Have you ever been in extreme pain? The hardest thing to do in that situation is to relax! So we practice ways to stay calm more often because if you are calm most of the time it’s not that hard to get back there.

( I would like to clarify I mean calm on the inside as well as the outside. If you appear calm but there is a storm on the inside that’s not good for anyone.)

 

Doctor, Nurses, and Mental Health:

    I met with my doctors and nurse twice a week. They checked me out and made sure that I was healthy. And we had some hiccups. My first time on the bike the handles were cutting into me and I rubbed a hole into my thigh. Yep, A hole a deep hole too. One that needed dressing every day. I also got salmonella while in the program. The doctor quickly got in touch with my primary doctor and got me an appointment that same day. My chair is broken and they got me an express appointment with their wheelchair clinic. Who are working on getting me a new wheelchair and a loaner in the meantime.

My mental Health doctor was just wonderful. I was able to be open and honest with her about my feelings and what I was going through. She was understanding of my issues, unafraid to tell me when I was wrong, and unrestricted when it comes to giving praise.

Gym

    You know how when you were in grade school and gym was your favorite subject. Well, I can honestly say that I did not feel that way about this gym. The gym was lovely don’t get me wrong very posh but friendly and inviting at the same time. I didn’t like it because I was afraid. During the rest of the process, I wasn’t afraid, I was like bring it on. When it came to the gym however it gave me pause. I didn’t think that I could do the machines. I was afraid that people would look at me funny, that I wouldn’t even be able to get on the machines, that I would fall, of all sorts of things. But you know what I decided to do it anyway. I decided to stand up to my fears and insecurities and just do it!

    Working out at the gym as well as completing the SRAPMP were the best things I could have done. I love both of them immensely. The program has changed my life for the better. It has equipped me with the tools to better myself and that’s what I plan to do. To think I could have missed out on this opportunity because of fear. I have a big problem with fear. It’s one of the things I am working on during this year of me. ( I am taking this year to work on me.) Now I workout 5 days a week; I go to the gym three days a week, chair aerobics once a week, and I have started teaching Tai Chi once a week and it’s great! I feel better after I workout. I’ve been 

losing weight (From 395 lbs. to 367 lbs.) and have also gone down some inches (from size 36 to 24) which is an added bonus. The best part, however, is that I am feeling better and being able to do more.

So that’s what I’ve been doing people. So sorry it’s been keeping me away. On this journey, I have been growing, opening my eyes and focusing on things. So I see that one of my priorities is this website and posting great things. Well, I am on the job and I won’t disappoint.

It was also because of this process that I came up with my new mantra, "One Breath, One Step, One Day At A Time." #oneatatime It keeps me going.

I have great things happening in my future. Please join me.

Cherlnell Lane

Extend Beyond

There is a lot of work involved in changing your life and no matter how much you plan there is no way you can prepare for all of the work you have to do. Those of you who are familiar with Cookie Battles or C. J. Lane know that my blog for the last eight years or more has been “A Black Woman Living in Pain” as you see that has changed. The reason that I changed it was that I no longer wanted to pigeonholed. I didn’t want to write from a place of pain.

I am all about this infinite evolution of getting better (whatever that looks like to you.)I was trying to create a new logo and I was working with this awesome artist. I sent him a little blurb about why I was dropping my pen names, changing my brand and the direction I was going in and one of the designs he sent me had an infinity symbol and I instantly fell in love.  I definitely understand the infinity symbol it means; subject to no limitation or extending beyond. How empowering is that? If we could just extend beyond where we are a little at a time oh, Facebook the places we could go! You might be able to make it out of the bed, to the party, finish that business plan, open that community center, complete that college application, hell maybe even go to the moon! The opportunities are limitless. I wanted to apply the properties of the infinity symbol to my Journey to see how it could help me and others. So I created The Infinite Evolution of Life, Learning, and Love, my new blog. The idea is this; walking around the house instead of using the wheelchair, that’s life extending beyond. Reading articles and books or attending a class to get more information about something you’ve Facebook, that’s learning, extending beyond. Giving of yourself and your time to your community when you don’t have the money, that’s love extending beyond.

Wherever you are on your journey, whatever extra reach you can do is extending beyond. The more you do, the more you will be able to do. Won’t you take part in the Evolution with me?

Remember: Extend Beyond

Cherlnell Lane

 

Coming up Next...

I just finished something that I set my mind to do a few months ago. It was this huge looming thing that I knew I had and wanted to do, however, I was afraid. This would be a totally different experience than anything I had experienced before. It was that and more, one of the hardest things I have had to do in a long time but I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it.

Finding Myself

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I tend to think a lot. (Not as much as my husband but a lot still. Lol.) I tend to ponder way past the time that I should and it prevents me from doing. I am trying to get out of the habit. It is the need for everything to be planned out perfectly. Every option and surprise obstacle accounted for and solved before I can make a move. Since it is impossible for that to happen most of the time either my ideas don’t come to fruition or I start and have to stop.  I’m a work in progress, this I know. It’s like I think about all of the ways people will find fault with my ideas or plans. For example:

One of the things I am currently ruminating on is changing my pen name. Well, more like getting rid of it. Instead of saying, to myself, “Fine, you’re grown, if you want to get rid of your pen name do it!” I say, “If you get rid of your pen name people will be able to tie your writing to you. If they tie your writing to you and they don’t like it then they aren’t going to like you.”

It’s that kind of thinking that scares the crap out of me. My writing is different. I write African American Literature but other than that my writing doesn’t fit into a box. It’s a little of this and a little of that. Some people see it as erotica and some people see it as inspirational. So when people ask, “What do you write?” I say I write life, all parts of it. I write about life and all that it encompasses. The sunny well-manicured lawns and the seedy alleys. Everyone deserves to feel like someone knows where there are coming from, that they aren’t alone. Abusers should know how it feels to be in a victim’s place. The rich should understand what it's like to be poor. Women should learn from men, men should learn from women, young and old, black, white, etc.  I want to be one of the voices that facilitates that process. I just want to change your view. Make you see things differently. Then maybe just maybe because you have a new viewpoint you’ll change the world. There are a lot of people that like my writing but it might also offend some people. But isn’t that with everything. I mean even the idea of love offends some people.

I am a storyteller. I love telling stories. Telling our stories helps us release: pain, fear, and insecurities. Hearing or reading other people's stories either broadens your understanding about people in different situations or helps you identify, which shows you that there is someone somewhere going through the same things you are going through. The release helps us heal, understanding helps us grow and identifying shows us that we aren’t alone.

What really matters is what the people who support you think. Actually, when you think about it, you can look to whomever you want for their views when it comes to your life. However, when it comes down to it the choices that you, make in your life, as an adult, is on you and your higher power. I have to make a choice based on the things that I want out of life, what I know and feel are good, and what will push me forward. So, from this point forward I am Cherlnell Lane; mom, wife, writer, teacher, lover, giver, learner, activist. Sure my writing is unconventional, and a little weird. I may write some things you were thinking but dare not say or take you into worlds and stories that are interesting and entertaining while also teaching you a lesson. Some people may not get me or my writing and that’s okay. The people that love me do and those who don’t... Oh well! No more Cookie Battles, No more C.J. Lane just the powerful, intelligent, strong and very capable Cherlnell Lane.

Yours Always,

Cherlnell Lane

 
 
 
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